The Final Cut

I may have given up on Nip/Tuck last fall (which was still at least 2 seasons too late), but I still wanted to see how it would end (even if it took me a week to get to it). It's only every so often a show gets a chance to air an actual series finale, and I'm always fascinated to see how it will play. Will it satisfy, like Battlestar Galactica and Scrubs did last year? Or will it be totally lame like Alias?

Turns out the answer was the least thing I'd suspect from a show that began by feeding a dead gangster's body to crocodiles: boring. Nip/Tuck has always prided itself on being absolutely outrageous, trying so hard to shock that it couldn't really do anything else. Yet for its finale, the big episode to end everything, there was probably less going on than any given episode from its entire run. Nip/Tuck would have never ended a season like this, but somehow did for the series.

So what happened? Well, if you're like me, you probably need the "previously on." Had to watch a couple times, but the highlights seem to be Julia's moving to England, Liz is having a baby using Sean's sperm (and is somehow friends with Christian again even though they were going through a bitter divorce last time I watched), and Matt tricked someone into marrying him only to leave her at the altar for Ava, the tranny from season 2. Got it? Didn't think so.

Aside from a traditional patient-of-the-week story about an old Japanese porn star that didn't in any way scream series finale, the main plot here is, of course, the bromance between Sean and Christian. With Julia leaving and taking the kids, Sean's free to do whatever he wants. But dead Kimber says Christian is a negative force on him and needs to let him free. So the episode mostly consists of a series of downbeat goodbyes. Liz leaves Sean so the baby won't know him. Julia leaves for England. Matt lies about reconciling with his ex so he can leave with Ava. And Christian convinces Sean to leave plastic surgery and the country with some baby Ava left behind because...well, I missed that part.

And throughout the cheese factor was cranked to the max. From a very serious talk about the morality of plastic surgeons (to remind us we were indeed watching the end) to the final line, Christian telling a woman at an airport bar, "I'm a plastic surgeon," everything was super dramatic and hyper emotional. In a show where the characters hadn't gone off the rails years ago, sad goodbyes could have been emotional and heartwarming. But emotional and heartwarming aren't what Nip/Tuck does well. Nip/Tuck was, at its best, a crazy soap that was outrageous but fun. Its end was just blah. At least it's over.

On a completely different note, I also just caught up on last night's Lost, which was something I wouldn't have expected to see a few seasons ago: a heart-warming Ben episode. I've heard complaints about this season that it's too much leading up to answers or just not enough answers, but as long as they keep delivering episodes like this one I have no complaints. I don't know what the sideways stories mean, but the past few weeks they've been every bit as resonant as the original season 1 flashbacks.

Off-island, Ben's a European history teacher who eats lunch with Dr. Arzt and tutors his prize pupil Alex. When Locke takes a move from the being inhabiting his body on-island and convinces Ben to claim power, he makes a grab for the principality (yes, I'm calling it that). But power comes with a cost: the principal will torch Alex's chances at Yale if Ben goes through with his plan. So what does he pick, power or Alex?

On-island, Miles exposed that Ben killed Jacob, and now bodyguard and maybe adoptive daughter Ilana wants vengeance. Locke Monster still wants Ben on his team, so he offers him an escape. But Ben just wants to explain himself, in a speech so moving you completely forget he's the guy who pretended to kill a bunny in front of Sawyer. Aww. And off-island he picked Alex, giving up his plans for power for a glowing recommendation and the return of his history club. Double aww. On any other show the villain going cuddly would be a cop-out. Maybe it still is, but at least it's a very satisfying cop-out.

As for the bigger stuff, once again we've moved a little bit further to that war that's brewing. All of Team Jacob has rallied together, and Widmore's back to make some mischief. I was minorly worried he might sit this season out, making his significance the past few seasons kind of irrelevant, but of course the writers are ahead of me. We know he helped Locke in his efforts to bring everyone back to the island, but does that make him Team Jacob or Team Man in Black? Can't really see him siding with Ben. And where's Desmond?

We also got further confirmation that Richard Alpert did indeed come over on the Black Rock, as well as an interesting continuation of a previous plot point. Richard can't kill himself, the same way that Michael couldn't kill himself when off the island. Should we assume Michael was touched by Jacob as well, even if he didn't appear in the flashbacks from last year's finale? His name must have been somewhere on that wheel, right? And if Jack's "Man of Faith" stuff got a little annoying last year, it was a lot cooler when he was making his bet with a stick of dynamite.

So to me, this season of Lost just keeps getting better and better. From the Locke ep to the Jack ep to Sayid to Ben, we've had a steady string of great episodes, all of which moved the pieces a few steps forward to their endgame. Clearly most of the action is coming later this season, but I'm not worried about guessing how it will go down. I'm just along for the ride, and Lost is still the best one in town.

TV Break-Up Part 2

This post should have been written a long time ago. I mean, yes, Nip/Tuck has been unwatchable ever since the Carver reveal years ago, and I should have dropped out like everyone else somewhere in season 4. But I meant that this post should have come weeks ago when this season premiered. Thing is, it's taken me 5 weeks to get around to watching it and confirming Nip/Tuck is just as bad as I remember. Check and check.

When I first saw the pilot, I said "This show can never jump the shark. It's already gone there in one episode." I mean, how can you top an episode in which the dead body of a South American gangster is wrapped in ham and thrown to the gators? But Nip/Tuck always saw that episode as a promise, that they would go for the most outrageous thing imaginable or unimaginable, a promise they've continued even when breaking any other promises of quality, enjoyment, or relatability.

So as every Nip/Tuck premiere offers a menu of idiotic storylines in the season to come, what have we got going on this year? First off, Sean's anesthesiologist girlfriend, Teddy, has now been COMPLETELY RECAST! While last season she was a very blonde Katee Sackhoff, this year she's the very brunette Rose McGowan. It's not just the hair color, which you'd think they'd at least explain away in a line of dialogue like "I like the new hair." No, they really look NOTHING alike. And ACT nothing alike. It's a COMPLETELY different character with the same name. If Nip/Tuck was trying to convince me it's gone from nighttime soap to daytime soap, congrats. You've succeeded.

Anyway, in the premiere Teddy didn't do too much more than confuse me for reasons stated above, but from looking ahead, here's what happens: she turns out to be a Black Widow who kills men for the life insurance money. Then she takes Sean and his family into the woods to reenact/plug Dylan Walsh's already-out-of-theaters Stepfather movie by playing his part. Then she gets killed by...another killer? The fact that it took me awhile to even find a Nip/Tuck recap site anymore since TVGuide and Television Without Pity dropped it years ago should say something. But really Nip/Tuck? It's just like a younger Colleen Rose, which was already a terrible storyline. Way to recycle your worst ideas.

What we did see in the premiere is a LOT of Mario Lopez. Most people, when they see Mario Lopez, they think Saved by the Bell. Not having watched that as a kid (I know, blasphemy), I think of all the clips of him acting like a jackass on his E! show that air on The Soup. Either way, the fact remains - he can't really act. He just stands around with his shit-eating grin and lifts his shirt from time to time. And I guess makes Sean and Christian look old/fat. And this is fun?

Then there's Christian and Liz's divorce, continuing an unfortunate storyline from last year in an even more unfortunate way. At first I was pleased to see Barry Bostwick, so awesome in Spin City and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And....then he asked Christian to jerk off. Proving that anytime someone on this show seems potentially normal, they must inevitably try to fuck a couch or cut off their boob with a chainsaw in a waiting room (both things that actually happened....just last season). Dammit, Janet, you can do better Brad.

Finally, last and certainly least, there's Matt McNamara, doing his part to make Kim Bauer, Dawn Sommers, and Cousin Oliver look like the greatest characters to ever grace our television screens. Last year the writers took a moment to say, "Well, we've already involved him in a hit-and-run, had him sleep with a transsexual, had him date a neo-nazi, and turned him into a meth-head, why don't we try to make him normal for once?" I guess whichever writer said that lost the battle, since this season he is....wait for it....a stick-up artist mime! That's right, he robs convenience stores....while miming. To paraphrase Lily Aldrin: Nip/Tuck, for most shows this would be a new low, but for you it's just a new middle.

The sad thing is, despite the fact that every single storyline is among the stupidest things I've seen on TV, and I can no longer tolerate a single one of these characters, there were moments during the premiere that I could still kind of see what I originally liked about the show. But no, Nip/Tuck has run out of second chances and "just one more episode"s. If it just had a few eps left before the series finale, maybe. But with like 30 episodes to go? No chance. Goodbye, Nip/Tuck. You won't be missed.

Nip/Tuck Back to Usual Tricks

Well, that didn't take long. And by "that," I mean Nip/Tuck going from watchably mediocre to unbelievably bad, just as it always does. Last night was actually a nice primer on all the stale tricks Nip/Tuck uses to be "shocking," so let's go through it point by point. If you've never seen Nip/Tuck, this might help you see why.

Pointless Deaths
Last night, the show killed off Portia de Rossi's Olivia by having her antidepressants mix badly with anesthetics in surgery. What did this death accomplish? There was the momentary drama of Sean thinking he killed her, but that passed. It's not like anyone will be too sad to see her go. So what was the point? Well, it got her off the show. In Nip/Tuck land, that's good enough.

Crazy Women
In Nip/Tuck, all women have to be crazy. And everything has to be "shocking." So kill two birds with one stone in patient-of-the-week Roxy St. James. Her voluntary double mastectomy could have been a legit subject of discussion....or she could cut off her breast with an electric saw in the McNamara Troy waiting room. Which one do you think the writers went with?

Sean and Julia
They have broken up and made up in just about every season. When she left him after the whole dwarf-banging episode (don't ask) it seemed final. Yet here it is again with Sean's out-of-nowhere desire to get back together with her. LET IT END!

Christian and Liz
First, the show nearly validates Christian's belief that all lesbians are one good lay away from turning straight. Then it decides to actually pursue a Christian/Liz romance. I'm not sure which is worse.

Eden
She's back, and crazier than ever (see "Crazy Women" above), throwing her mother's ashes at Sean and Julia after lying that Olivia shot Julia. First off, why couldn't we just pretend that whole amnesia/shooting thing never happened? Second, shouldn't she be too busy at 90210 to come back and haunt this show? Or could they have killed Eden off too?

This Video
I'm sure the whole "white girl thinks she's black" thing might have been funny to some people in the early 2000s. But I'm pretty sure I'd find it painful in any decade:



It's only a matter of time before Nip/Tuck follows Grey's Anatomy off my DVR queue.

Nip/Tuck: Not Dead Yet

It's a good thing Nip/Tuck's return last night started with some previously clips, cause otherwise I might have forgotten all of the insane things that happened in the first half of season 5. Let's see, there was Kimber returning to porn, Matt sleeping with his half-sister, fake agent Colleen Rose killing a man by turning him into a teddy bear, and everything and anything to do with Eden. Watching it all together, it's a wonder I got through it.

But last night's episode offered a fresh start. In the very first scene, Sean gave Colleen a permanent exit (we hope). Other season 5 storylines were brushed off with even less effort. Sean's career as a TV star got nary a mention. Matt's incestuous sister is off to New York. Eden and Olivia are nowhere to be seen. And Matt's decision to enter college may mean an end to his days as one man wrecking machine. Amazing what a four month time jump can do.

So four months after Sean's stabbing, he's in a wheelchair and teaching med school. Sean in a classroom makes more sense than Sean on TV, and I'm liking new apprentice Raj as a thorn in Christian's side. But please, do not let Sean sleep with any more teenagers. Three years in a row would just be way too much. Also, I'm not sure how I feel about Sean claiming season 4's peak into the future was all a dream. Kind of a weak move for the writers to weasel out of that promise, but it does free them up.

As for Christian, his breast cancer diagnosis made the episode a bit downbeat. Not the kind of thing we want to see on a guilty pleasure. But Christian has become so obnoxious the last few seasons he could use a bit of humanity. If this makes him a likable anti-hero again, then it's all worth it.

Last night's episode was no return to quality, but it was a step up from recent times. Getting rid of last season's stories is enough to keep me watching. Still, promos show that Kimber and Julia's absences are short-lived, meaning we'll have to suffer through Kimber's porn empire and Julia's amnesia. Last year started out even stronger, with Hearts & Scalpels bringing some fresh humor to the show, before Nip/Tuck slid back into its old lurid tricks. I hate to let Nip/Tuck fool me twice, but I'll keep watching until it all goes to hell again.

Midseason Preview

2009 may have just begun, but the TV midseason isn't wasting time, beginning on January 5th. I'll help you figure out when my favorite returning shows come back and what new shows may be worth considering.

Gossip Girl (January 5th, 8-9 PM, the CW)
When we last saw the Upper East Siders, Chuck was a mess over his father's death. This week introduces his Uncle Jack, played by Desmond Harrington (Quinn from Dexter). Elsewhere, Jenny finally goes back to school, but no word on whether she'll start looking human again.

Scrubs (January 6th, 9-10 PM, ABC)
Now on ABC, Scrubs is back for its (probably) final season, starting with two episodes. The season starts with Courtney Cox as the new Chief of Medicine and, judging by the promos, awkward facial hair for JD. There's also a Hawaiin wedding for Janitor later this season.

Nip/Tuck (January 6th, 10-11 PM, FX)
At the end of last season, Sean was stabbed by his crazy fake-publicist Colleen Rose and Julia was shot by her girlfriend's crazy daughter Eden and was left with amnesia. Eden should hopefully be gone, given that her portrayor (Annalynne McCord) is now on 90210, but Colleen is definitely back. No word on how long they'll continue the never-successful amnesia device, but don't expect a creative comeback anytime soon.

Top Chef (January 7th, 10-11 PM, Bravo)
Season 5 returns with new judge Toby Young (author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People), and two chefs will be eliminated.

Damages (January 7th, 10-11 PM, FX)
Damages tries to top season 1 with a boatload of top-tier new cast members like William Hurt, Marcia Gay Harden, and Timothy Olymphant. After settling the Frobisher (Ted Danson) case, Patty Hewes (Glenn Close) is moving on. When a whistle blower (Hurt) tells of her of shady practices coming from his company, it seems she's got her next case. Meanwhile, Ellen (Rose Byrne) works with the FBI to bring Patty down, and Frobisher survives his shooting to come back for more mischief.

30 Rock (January 8th, 9:30-10 PM, NBC)
30 Rock continues to become the next Will & Grace by having Salma Hayek and Peter Dinklage both guest star.

Grey's Anatomy (January 8th, 9-10 PM, ABC)
The surgeons have to work on a death row inmate, and it's not even a sweeps month? What are they saving up for February, an operation on Ghost Denny? Also, Jessica Capshaw joins the cast as a pediatric surgeon and a romantic interest for Callie (since she hasn't had enough this season).

24 (January 11th and 12th, 8-10 PM, Fox)
As it has the last two seasons, 24 will begin with a two-night, four hour premiere to kick things in motion. These year-old episodes see Jack on trial in DC for his actions after CTU has been shut down. But he gets off when the government needs him to stop Evil Back-From-the-Dead Tony Almeida from his terrorist activities. Also, there's a Lady Prez.

How I Met Your Mother (January 12th, 8:30-9 PM, CBS)
Reality stars taunt Marshall from a magazine, as they do to us all. Ted and Robin become friends with benefits. That should last about as long as it did for Jerry and Elaine.

The Office (January 15th, 9-9:30 PM, NBC)
I don't have an episode description, but expect fall-out over Phyllis telling the office about Dwight and Angela.

Battlestar Galactica (January 16th, 10-11 PM, Sci-Fi)
In the final season, Earth has been found, but now what? Will they try to live on that post-apocalyptic planet? Will the human/Cylon truce hold? And who is the last frakking Cylon?

Big Love (January 18th, 9-10 PM, HBO)
I still haven't seen season 2, so I got nothing on season 3. But this is when it premieres.

Flight of the Conchords (January 18th, 10-10:30 PM, HBO)
You could wait until January 18th to see Bret and Jermaine's newest adventures. Or you could go to Funnyordie.com and watch it now.

The United States of Tara (January 18th, 10-10:30 PM, Showtime, NEW SHOW)
Toni Collette (The Sixth Sense) plays a woman with multiple personality disorder. John Corbett (Sex and the City, Lucky) plays her husband. Steven Spielberg's producing. Diablo Cody (Juno) wrote the pilot. With all those big names and Showtime's recent hot streak (Weeds, Dexter), this is certainly worth checking out. But it is paired with the ultra-dull Secret Diary of a Call Girl, so who knows.

Lost (January 21st, 9-11 PM, ABC)
After a year of waiting, it's finally here. Lost is back. Season 5 will find Jack and Ben getting the Oceanic Six back together to return to the island while we learn just what "bad things" happened to those who stayed on the island. Those who have already seen the premiere say the new time-jumping device makes flashforwards seem like child's play. They also say it's awesome.

Lie to Me (January 21st, 9-10 PM, Fox, NEW SHOW)
Tim Roth (Pulp Fiction, The Incredible Hulk) plays a human lie detector that heads some special FBI agency. Is this just a lame procedural a la The Mentalist? Too early to tell, but it could be fun to see Tim Roth on TV.

Trust Me (January 26th, 10-11 PM, TNT, NEW SHOW)
If you've watched TNT at all in the last month, you've surely seen tons of ads for this new show in which Tom Cavanaugh (Ed) gets a new boss: his best friend, played by Eric McCormick (Will of Will & Grace). I have yet to get into TNT's other original shows (The Closer, Saving Grace), but the leads seem likable enough to make me want to give this one a try.

Heroes (February 2nd, 9-10 PM, NBC)
After season 3 got bogged down in too many characters and too little logic, why am I still watching this show? Well, cause season 4 looks kind of cool. After Nathan leaked word of the heroes to the government, the Hunter (Damages' Zeljko Ivanek) will start rounding them all up. Seems like a welcome break from the typical "stop big threat to save the world using lots of time traveling" formula. But the second it starts to lag, I'm out.

Dollhouse (February 13th, 9-10 PM, Fox, NEW SHOW)
In this new show from Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Firefly), Eliza Dushku (Faith from Buffy) plays Echo. She works at a secret agency (is there any other kind?) as a blank slate, with personalities put into her depending on what her mission calls for. The show has suffered some bad early buzz, due to conflicts between Whedon and Fox and some production issues. But the plot sounds badass, and it's Joss freaking Whedon. If given time to grow, it can definitely stand with his previous classics.