When I first saw the pilot, I said "This show can never jump the shark. It's already gone there in one episode." I mean, how can you top an episode in which the dead body of a South American gangster is wrapped in ham and thrown to the gators? But Nip/Tuck always saw that episode as a promise, that they would go for the most outrageous thing imaginable or unimaginable, a promise they've continued even when breaking any other promises of quality, enjoyment, or relatability.
So as every Nip/Tuck premiere offers a menu of idiotic storylines in the season to come, what have we got going on this year? First off, Sean's anesthesiologist girlfriend, Teddy, has now been COMPLETELY RECAST! While last season she was a very blonde Katee Sackhoff, this year she's the very brunette Rose McGowan. It's not just the hair color, which you'd think they'd at least explain away in a line of dialogue like "I like the new hair." No, they really look NOTHING alike. And ACT nothing alike. It's a COMPLETELY different character with the same name. If Nip/Tuck was trying to convince me it's gone from nighttime soap to daytime soap, congrats. You've succeeded.
Anyway, in the premiere Teddy didn't do too much more than confuse me for reasons stated above, but from looking ahead, here's what happens: she turns out to be a Black Widow who kills men for the life insurance money. Then she takes Sean and his family into the woods to reenact/plug Dylan Walsh's already-out-of-theaters Stepfather movie by playing his part. Then she gets killed by...another killer? The fact that it took me awhile to even find a Nip/Tuck recap site anymore since TVGuide and Television Without Pity dropped it years ago should say something. But really Nip/Tuck? It's just like a younger Colleen Rose, which was already a terrible storyline. Way to recycle your worst ideas.
What we did see in the premiere is a LOT of Mario Lopez. Most people, when they see Mario Lopez, they think Saved by the Bell. Not having watched that as a kid (I know, blasphemy), I think of all the clips of him acting like a jackass on his E! show that air on The Soup. Either way, the fact remains - he can't really act. He just stands around with his shit-eating grin and lifts his shirt from time to time. And I guess makes Sean and Christian look old/fat. And this is fun?
Then there's Christian and Liz's divorce, continuing an unfortunate storyline from last year in an even more unfortunate way. At first I was pleased to see Barry Bostwick, so awesome in Spin City and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And....then he asked Christian to jerk off. Proving that anytime someone on this show seems potentially normal, they must inevitably try to fuck a couch or cut off their boob with a chainsaw in a waiting room (both things that actually happened....just last season). Dammit, Janet, you can do better Brad.
Finally, last and certainly least, there's Matt McNamara, doing his part to make Kim Bauer, Dawn Sommers, and Cousin Oliver look like the greatest characters to ever grace our television screens. Last year the writers took a moment to say, "Well, we've already involved him in a hit-and-run, had him sleep with a transsexual, had him date a neo-nazi, and turned him into a meth-head, why don't we try to make him normal for once?" I guess whichever writer said that lost the battle, since this season he is....wait for it....a stick-up artist mime! That's right, he robs convenience stores....while miming. To paraphrase Lily Aldrin: Nip/Tuck, for most shows this would be a new low, but for you it's just a new middle.
The sad thing is, despite the fact that every single storyline is among the stupidest things I've seen on TV, and I can no longer tolerate a single one of these characters, there were moments during the premiere that I could still kind of see what I originally liked about the show. But no, Nip/Tuck has run out of second chances and "just one more episode"s. If it just had a few eps left before the series finale, maybe. But with like 30 episodes to go? No chance. Goodbye, Nip/Tuck. You won't be missed.